Friend or foe?

What an intriguing question.  I think I'd like who I am now more than who I was in the past.  I think that, once hearing my back story, I would respect how I have faced these trials and come through stronger.  Where it would have been easy to wallow in self pity and let myself become a victim of so many things, I have faced my fears and learned lessons from these times. 

I like the fact that I have acknowledged certain flaws in my personality, traits I wasn't proud of, and have worked hard to counter those with love and honesty instead.  I have been a liar, a cheat, a gossip, fickle, hurtful, materialistic, needy, two-faced and vain.  For every one of those flaws I could write a blog post and the lesson I learned when I was brought back down to earth with a heavy bang!  I was also a lot younger then, but that is no adequate excuse, because not every young person behaves like that!   I accept responsibility for my actions, and I have to give myself credit for not turning into a lying, cheating, gossiping, hurtful, fickle, materialistic, needy, vain and two-faced adult.  I don't think she would have been getting invited over for coffee any time soon.   By anyone, not just me!

I'm not perfect by a long shot, I really am a work in progress.  Full of neurotic thoughts, and doubts, and fears, and I need to grow a thicker skin - but I've learned my lesson over the years that the view of any situation is clearer and fairer from up there on the fence, than it is up there on the soapbox.

So, would you like you, if you met you?

Sorry - the hardest word?

There are many people who have hacked me off over the years.  Some that I have been able to forgive, and some that I have cut out of my life forever.  For years I would let stupid resentments eat away at me from the inside until my stomach would be churning, and I'd lose sleep at the absolute injustice of what has been done to me or said about me.  At the very least, I would deserve a grovelling apology, and of course, unless I deemed the issue worthy of forgiving, it would be a moot point. 

Have you heard me?  Who did I think I was?

Any surprise to know that no apologies have ever been forthcoming?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela

I can only control me  I can only control how I act, how I behave, and how I treat other people.  In a dispute, I think I am right.  Maybe I am right, in any given situation, and the other party has got it so, so wrong.  But I can't control them, how they think, their morals, values, nor how they treat other people.  I can only be responsible for my own actions and reactions.   Nobody elses.  Maybe at other times, I've been just as wrong.  What makes me any better or any less human than anyone else?

I then have to flip it, and ask myself, has my own behaviour in the past been exemplory?  What part have I played in any of these conflicts?  Have I myself hurt someone, whether it was deliberate or just incidental?  Do I have any apologies I need to make?   Instead of bemoaning the fact that I've never received any?  The answer there is - yes.  The way I feel about it is described perfectly in this quote; 
 

"I thought of how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving.  I thought of how many people have had siblings or friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious words of clemency or absolution could be passed along.  How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business?" - Elizabeth Gilbert 'Eat, Pray, Love'

How do they, indeed.  So how do you even begin to ask for forgiveness after a period such as twenty years?  For something that happened when you were technically a child?  When that person has been out of your life for so long, you don't know where they are, you don't know if they have a family themselves, you don't know if your contacting them would be welcome, or an unpleasant intrusion - which I'd imagine in a lot of cases it would be, or that person would still be in your life, right?
 

Through the years there are people I have tried to make amends to.  I've tried to explain my side to them and it's just been too much to get past.  Which is fair enough.  In those cases, I've just had to suck it up, acknowledge that I tried to apologise, and get on with it.  It isn't resolved happily, but at least it's no longer unresolved.  There are a few people I need to apologise to, because although they've treated me badly, it didn't justify my doing the same back to them in a vain attempt at retribution.  That makes my behaviour no better than theirs, for treating them in the way they treated me.  I know how that made me feel, so why did I think it was the right way to strike back at them?  The minute I retaliated in a mean and spiteful way, I lost any moral high ground I might have had.  It makes me no better.  Those aren't relationships I want to resurrect, but nevertheless, I owe an apology for my behaviour - they can deal with their own consciences then.  I only have to sleep with mine.

But there's still one person I really do owe an apology to.  Probably the biggest apology I've ever needed to make in my life, and theirs has been the most important apology of all and I haven't been able to do it.  I know what I've wanted to say, but the two biggest barriers have been - where was that person now - and fear.  Not fear of them, because the person concerned had the kindest heart and treated me with nothing but respect and love.  It's been fear of finding out once and for all how much I did actually hurt them.   Fear that I lay myself bare to them and my apology is rejected, or even worse, I am ignored.  Fear that I have nothing to retaliate with - those others that I've apologised to, well, let's just say the majority of those conflicts were six of one, half a dozen of the other.  Right and wrong on both sides.  In this case however, there was only one person in the wrong, and that was me.

I believe the best advice comes from yourself.  I always ask myself, what counsel would I give my best friend if she presented this dilemma to me?   I don't know what this person is like now, twenty years later, but I know what they were like back then.  Sweet, kindhearted, funny, loving.  What would that person do with an honest explanation and apology?  Reject it?  Or say, it's ok.  I understand now.  You did hurt me, but at least I understand now.  It could prove to be cathartic for both of us.  And just maybe, that person has needed to hear this all these years just as strongly as I've wanted to say it.

“Sorry.

Sorry means you feel the pulse of other people's pain as well as your own, and saying it means you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us trodden and sodden as one another.  Sorry is a lot of things. It's a hole refilled. A debt repaid.  Sorry is the wake of misdeed.  It's the crippling ripple of consequence.  Sorry is sadness, just as knowing is sadness.  Sorry is sometimes self-pity.  But Sorry, really, is not about you.  It's theirs to take or leave.

Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge.  Sorry is a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true.  Sorry doesn't take things back, but it pushes things forward.  It bridges the gap.  Sorry is a sacrament.  It's an offering.  A gift.” - Craig Silvey 'Jasper Jones'

It's a gift, from me to them, that they can take or leave.  I have no power or rights over which that person chooses.  The first sentence of that last paragraph explains it far more concisely that I ever could.  'Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge'.  I'm not scared of the embrace - which in my case would be an acceptance of my apology; but I'm scared of the ridicule or revenge - which in my case would be a rejection of my apology or being ignored.  Where on earth could I possibly go from there?   This particular situation being so different to any other apology I've had to make, this time there's no wrong on the other's part.  There's no scope for me to shrug my shoulders and say 'At least I tried, they were wrong too.' and put it in the past.  What if sorry isn't good enough for that person, how on earth do I move forward from that?  Maybe it would be best not to poke around in this particular hornets nest.  Maybe it would be easier to continue living with the guilt and the not knowing, than it would be to live with the rejection?  

A helping hand or an insult? Treading the fine line.

I'm not rich by a long shot, but I am able to live within my means.  I remember several times in my life that I have been so down, so low, that I couldn't afford to feed my family.  Literally not having a penny in my pocket for the necessities, never mind an occasional indulgence.  I look back at those times in horror, and I vow that I will never, ever be in that place again.  I have money in the bank, but this is due to my diligence and being careful as to how our family use that money. 

But this thing called life happens to the best of us, and it's currently kicked a couple I know, when they were already down.   After having a life-threatening condition operated on last year, life decided to stick the boot in with a redundancy.  With a troop of children to feed, and we all know - wherever we live in the world, that unemployment is rife.  I spoke to one of them yesterday and they told me - not to garner sympathy or attention - just stating a basic fact, that they had just been food shopping with x amount of money and had tried to make it stretch as far as they could.   The x amount of money was a paltry sum, but I knew what they meant, because I had been there. I had been there with even less money than that, doing the sums in my head as I went along, looking for the cheapest way to fill us all up.

This couple aren't best friends, they're not friends with us socially, but the woman of the family is someone who has been a friend all my life.  They are a lovely couple, and although I don't know him that well, I know she is the sort that would do absolutely anything for anyone if she could, and she would give her last penny to someone less fortunate than herself.    

I'd been thinking, pondering about it since I saw them, and this morning, without my having to say anything, my husband announced that he'd been thinking about yesterday, and he'd just wanted to give them his wallet and tell them to go shopping.  I said that I'd been wondering if there was a way I could buy some groceries online and have them delivered anonymously, but doubted that I could.   I knew even if I could do that it would have been obvious that it was me.  I then had the worry that they would be offended.  I know I personally wouldn't have been offended to receive something like that when I was on my knees, but some people have much more pride than that.  I don't think she would be offended, but I don't know him enough to second guess his reaction.

So, I've decided, rather than embarrassing them by rolling up with bags full of shopping, the next time I'm in the supermarket I'm going to buy a £50 gift card for them.  This week, my cupboards and freezer are full, I don't need to shop for food this week, and someone I know does, so I think it's the right thing to do.  I will send it with a card telling them I don't want them to pay me back, but I want them to pay it forward.  When they're back on their feet and someone they know is struggling, then hopefully they can do something kind to help that person.  It's something I'd prefer to do anonymously but in this case I can't.