There are many people who have hacked me off over the years. Some that I have been able to forgive, and some that I have cut out of my life forever. For years I would let stupid resentments eat away at me from the inside until my stomach would be churning, and I'd lose sleep at the absolute injustice of what has been done to me or said about me. At the very least, I would deserve a grovelling apology, and of course, unless I deemed the issue worthy of forgiving, it would be a moot point.
Have you heard me? Who did I think I was?
Any surprise to know that no apologies have ever been forthcoming?
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela
I can only control me I can only control how I act, how I behave, and how I treat other people. In a dispute, I think I am right. Maybe I am right, in any given situation, and the other party has got it so, so wrong. But I can't control them, how they think, their morals, values, nor how they treat other people. I can only be responsible for my own actions and reactions. Nobody elses. Maybe at other times, I've been just as wrong. What makes me any better or any less human than anyone else?
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela
I can only control me I can only control how I act, how I behave, and how I treat other people. In a dispute, I think I am right. Maybe I am right, in any given situation, and the other party has got it so, so wrong. But I can't control them, how they think, their morals, values, nor how they treat other people. I can only be responsible for my own actions and reactions. Nobody elses. Maybe at other times, I've been just as wrong. What makes me any better or any less human than anyone else?
I then have to flip it, and ask myself, has my own behaviour in the past been exemplory? What part have I played in any of these conflicts? Have I myself hurt someone, whether it was deliberate or just incidental? Do I have any apologies I need to make? Instead of bemoaning the fact that I've never received any? The answer there is - yes. The way I feel about it is described perfectly in this quote;
"I thought of how many people go to their graves unforgiven
and unforgiving. I thought of how many people have had siblings or
friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious
words of clemency or absolution could be passed along. How do the
survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished
business?" - Elizabeth Gilbert 'Eat, Pray, Love'
How do they, indeed. So how do you even begin to ask for forgiveness after a period such as twenty years? For something that happened when you were technically a child? When that person has been out of your life for so long, you don't know where they are, you don't know if they have a family themselves, you don't know if your contacting them would be welcome, or an unpleasant intrusion - which I'd imagine in a lot of cases it would be, or that person would still be in your life, right?
Through the years there are people I have tried to make amends to. I've tried to explain my side to them and it's just been too much to get past. Which is fair enough. In those cases, I've just had to suck it up, acknowledge that I tried to apologise, and get on with it. It isn't resolved happily, but at least it's no longer unresolved. There are a few people I need to apologise to, because although they've treated me badly, it didn't justify my doing the same back to them in a vain attempt at retribution. That makes my behaviour no better than theirs, for treating them in the way they treated me. I know how that made me feel, so why did I think it was the right way to strike back at them? The minute I retaliated in a mean and spiteful way, I lost any moral high ground I might have had. It makes me no better. Those aren't relationships I want to resurrect, but nevertheless, I owe an apology for my behaviour - they can deal with their own consciences then. I only have to sleep with mine.
But there's still one person I really do owe an apology to. Probably the biggest apology I've ever needed to make in my life, and theirs has been the most important apology of all and I haven't been able to do it. I know what I've wanted to say, but the two biggest barriers have been - where was that person now - and fear. Not fear of them, because the person concerned had the kindest heart and treated me with nothing but respect and love. It's been fear of finding out once and for all how much I did actually hurt them. Fear that I lay myself bare to them and my apology is rejected, or even worse, I am ignored. Fear that I have nothing to retaliate with - those others that I've apologised to, well, let's just say the majority of those conflicts were six of one, half a dozen of the other. Right and wrong on both sides. In this case however, there was only one person in the wrong, and that was me.
I believe the best advice comes from yourself. I always ask myself, what counsel would I give my best friend if she presented this dilemma to me? I don't know what this person is like now, twenty years later, but I know what they were like back then. Sweet, kindhearted, funny, loving. What would that person do with an honest explanation and apology? Reject it? Or say, it's ok. I understand now. You did hurt me, but at least I understand now. It could prove to be cathartic for both of us. And just maybe, that person has needed to hear this all these years just as strongly as I've wanted to say it.
“Sorry.
Sorry means you feel the pulse of other people's pain as well as your own, and saying it means you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us trodden and sodden as one another. Sorry is a lot of things. It's a hole refilled. A debt repaid. Sorry is the wake of misdeed. It's the crippling ripple of consequence. Sorry is sadness, just as knowing is sadness. Sorry is sometimes self-pity. But Sorry, really, is not about you. It's theirs to take or leave.
Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge. Sorry is a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true. Sorry doesn't take things back, but it pushes things forward. It bridges the gap. Sorry is a sacrament. It's an offering. A gift.” - Craig Silvey 'Jasper Jones'
It's a gift, from me to them, that they can take or leave. I have no power or rights over which that person chooses. The first sentence of that last paragraph explains it far more concisely that I ever could. 'Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge'. I'm not scared of the embrace - which in my case would be an acceptance of my apology; but I'm scared of the ridicule or revenge - which in my case would be a rejection of my apology or being ignored. Where on earth could I possibly go from there? This particular situation being so different to any other apology I've had to make, this time there's no wrong on the other's part. There's no scope for me to shrug my shoulders and say 'At least I tried, they were wrong too.' and put it in the past. What if sorry isn't good enough for that person, how on earth do I move forward from that? Maybe it would be best not to poke around in this particular hornets nest. Maybe it would be easier to continue living with the guilt and the not knowing, than it would be to live with the rejection?
Sorry means you feel the pulse of other people's pain as well as your own, and saying it means you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us trodden and sodden as one another. Sorry is a lot of things. It's a hole refilled. A debt repaid. Sorry is the wake of misdeed. It's the crippling ripple of consequence. Sorry is sadness, just as knowing is sadness. Sorry is sometimes self-pity. But Sorry, really, is not about you. It's theirs to take or leave.
Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge. Sorry is a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true. Sorry doesn't take things back, but it pushes things forward. It bridges the gap. Sorry is a sacrament. It's an offering. A gift.” - Craig Silvey 'Jasper Jones'
It's a gift, from me to them, that they can take or leave. I have no power or rights over which that person chooses. The first sentence of that last paragraph explains it far more concisely that I ever could. 'Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge'. I'm not scared of the embrace - which in my case would be an acceptance of my apology; but I'm scared of the ridicule or revenge - which in my case would be a rejection of my apology or being ignored. Where on earth could I possibly go from there? This particular situation being so different to any other apology I've had to make, this time there's no wrong on the other's part. There's no scope for me to shrug my shoulders and say 'At least I tried, they were wrong too.' and put it in the past. What if sorry isn't good enough for that person, how on earth do I move forward from that? Maybe it would be best not to poke around in this particular hornets nest. Maybe it would be easier to continue living with the guilt and the not knowing, than it would be to live with the rejection?
