21 years ago, I began a six year relationship that was abusive and peppered with incidents of domestic violence. The issues arising from that have recently reared their ugly heads once more. I am, by now, generally 'ok' - but I think the scars run a lot deeper than I realised, and rather than dealing with the issue fully years ago, I faced it with such an air of acceptance - and sheer relief not to be in that situation anymore, that I've just let it slide. I got to thinking about a much younger me, still in my teens for the main part, waking up each day without even a glimmer of hope. I cannot think of one single word that could adequately describe the resignation and depression I felt during that phase of my life. Believing, at that point, that this was it until I died. Or he did. I tried to shake myself out of this, by reminding myself that it was all over now, and I was happy. Loved, cherished, respected - treated like a princess, if I'm honest. But while I was expressing gratitude for how lucky I am, it crossed my mind that somewhere, someone else wasn't.
I'm lucky that I keep my family in the black every month with careful budgeting. However, all it takes is one thing to go wrong, break down, or one larger than unexpected bill to throw everything off kilter. I cannot commit to a regular payment to a charity, because my priority will always have to be those under my roof. I got to thinking, how can I help - without it necessarily meaning I just pay out a lump sum every month. Doesn't anyone just want help, anymore? I browsed the Women's Aid website and found this.
* "Violence against women and children is a global issue for everyone…
Around the world, at least one in three women and girls is beaten or sexually abused in her lifetime (UN Commission on the Status of Women, 2000)
It is estimated that worldwide, one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime (Mara Jos Alcal, United Nations Population Fund, 2005)
Young women are particularly vulnerable to coerced sex and are increasingly being infected with HIV and AIDS. Over half of new HIV infections worldwide are occurring among young people between the ages of 15 and 24, and more than 60% of HIV-positive youth in this age bracket are female (UNIFEM, 2007)
The United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) estimates that the annual worldwide number of ‘honour killing’ victims may be as high as 5000 women (United Nations Population Fund, 2000)
It is estimated that between 100 and 140 million girls and women worldwide have been subjected to one of the first three types of female genital mutilation (World Health Organisation, 2008)
The cost of treating physical health of victims of domestic violence, (including hospital, GP, ambulance, prescriptions) in England and Wales alone is £1,220,247,000, i.e. 3% of total NHS budget. The cost of treating mental disorder due to domestic violence is £176,000,000. (Walby, 2004)
At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence. (Department of Health, 2002)
One incident is reported to the police every minute. (Stanko, 2000)
124,895 women and 54, 370 children used Women's Aid refuge and outreach services in 2009-2010 (Women's Aid Annual Survey)"
*This information taken from womensaid.org.uk
Frightening statistics. And for every woman who is helped so that she is no longer a statistic, how many take her place? Why are these statistics rising instead of falling? Are women more at risk now than they've ever been? Or is it that we're not prepared to accept this sort of behaviour, and we are more inclined to report it?
I was lucky to have had the support of my family when I left my partner. I left with what I was standing in, they took me in, and helped me to get back on my feet practically, financially and emotionally. At that particular point in time, I didn't need the help of a charity like Women's Aid - but in the years previously? If I hadn't been so young and naive, and actually called them for help four or five years before that? It could have saved a lot of heartache.
I pictured my departure in my head and imagined someone else who really had to just run, maybe for her life. Taken away from her home, maybe with a child; the relief of being 'away' juxtaposed with the reality of being - again - utterly dependent on someone else for everything. In this case, even the simplest basic things such a toothbrush, something to sleep in, or a confused child, away from their home and toys.
I contacted my local Women's Aid branch and asked them if they had a provision to accept these kinds of things, and I had a lovely email back telling me that indeed - I was correct, that a lot of women turn up there with nothing, having to flee an abusive relationship with nothing at all, and that they would be very grateful for these items. So I have made a start, I've bought sanitary protection, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, baby wipes, shampoo and shower gels. I've still got a huge list of things I want to get, childrens toothbrushes and toothpaste, some pyjamas and maybe a nightshirt or two, some childrens books, some baby toiletries... I could go on ad infinitum.
The lady who emailed me asked if I had ever considered volunteering for them? She said given that I had been in the situation these women had been in, in the past, but had come through it the other end and was now happy, that I could have a lot to offer. They have open nights through the year where the sort of work volunteers would do is explained, and she asked me if I would like to go to the next one. I said I wasn't sure if I would be any good at it (lack of self-confidence still a major scar that won't heal) but I wouldn't know unless I was in possession of the full facts, so yes. I would love to attend.
I think to say I'm looking forward to it would be the wrong thing. The very fact that organisations like Women's Aid have to exist in the first place is a crying shame, but thank God they do. Even if I'm not cut out for the volunteering, I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally to be able to help someone who is broken, I know that at the very least I can help by providing things like toiletries. Such a small gesture, but when you've got nothing...? It's a couple of pounds on my shopping bill each week, and I feel like I am helping in a practical way.
I pictured my departure in my head and imagined someone else who really had to just run, maybe for her life. Taken away from her home, maybe with a child; the relief of being 'away' juxtaposed with the reality of being - again - utterly dependent on someone else for everything. In this case, even the simplest basic things such a toothbrush, something to sleep in, or a confused child, away from their home and toys.
I contacted my local Women's Aid branch and asked them if they had a provision to accept these kinds of things, and I had a lovely email back telling me that indeed - I was correct, that a lot of women turn up there with nothing, having to flee an abusive relationship with nothing at all, and that they would be very grateful for these items. So I have made a start, I've bought sanitary protection, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, baby wipes, shampoo and shower gels. I've still got a huge list of things I want to get, childrens toothbrushes and toothpaste, some pyjamas and maybe a nightshirt or two, some childrens books, some baby toiletries... I could go on ad infinitum.
The lady who emailed me asked if I had ever considered volunteering for them? She said given that I had been in the situation these women had been in, in the past, but had come through it the other end and was now happy, that I could have a lot to offer. They have open nights through the year where the sort of work volunteers would do is explained, and she asked me if I would like to go to the next one. I said I wasn't sure if I would be any good at it (lack of self-confidence still a major scar that won't heal) but I wouldn't know unless I was in possession of the full facts, so yes. I would love to attend.
I think to say I'm looking forward to it would be the wrong thing. The very fact that organisations like Women's Aid have to exist in the first place is a crying shame, but thank God they do. Even if I'm not cut out for the volunteering, I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally to be able to help someone who is broken, I know that at the very least I can help by providing things like toiletries. Such a small gesture, but when you've got nothing...? It's a couple of pounds on my shopping bill each week, and I feel like I am helping in a practical way.
