Day 2 - 30 Days of Music meme

2. A song recorded in the 1950s.  Dean Martin's version of  'Volare'.

Day 1 - 30 Days of Music meme

1. A song to which you MUST sing along, regardless of the time or place.
Oh man... *cringe*   One Direction 'Kiss You'... #embarrassedface

♫ Music Monday ♫

Ivy's cover version of The Blow Monkeys 'Digging your Scene'

Random Act of Kindness - Knitting Hats for the Homeless

I'm not a very creative person.  I'm useless at anything arty or crafty, my fingers turn into thumbs when I try.  I can't draw, I can't crochet, I can't sew - poor hubby had the task of hand sewing all the Brownie badges on little Miss's sash - I'm forgiven because he loves my cooking.  So it's surprising that I am quite an able knitter.  I wouldn't tackle anything large, because I tend to lose interest if I can't see progress made relatively quickly, so I tend to concentrate on smaller things, like babies knitwear.

Because I am searching for practical ways to help charities, fresh from my Women's Aid success, I was excited to see this appeal for knitted hats on the Woman's Weekly website.

They have teamed up with Barnabus which is a Christian charity that helps the homeless on the streets of Manchester.  

Barnabus accept practical donations as well as money; new boxer shorts and new socks, sleeping bags, Men's jeans, jackets, trainers, boots, and also items to sell in their charity shop to raise funds. In addition they always appreciate donations of biscuits, cakes, chocolate, tea, sugar, long life milk and coffee.

Because I'm too far away from the city to help the charity in that way, I thought this would be a great way to do my bit.  Hats are so easy and quick to knock up that I'm sure I can have a fair few done by the closing date.  Might even be able to rope in knitting family and friends to help me out.

If you're interested in doing this, the details are all on the Woman's Weekly link above (page opens in new window) and the closing date for receipt of submissions is the 6th of September 2013.

101 random questions

Some of the issues I've blogged about have been a little heavy, so I thought I'd break it up a little by letting you know a bit about me, I'm not a complete misery.  I do actually have a wonderfully bizarre, funny and completely random life. 

1. How old will you be in five years?

Thanks for starting off with such a cheery question.  Five years older than I am now.

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?

My husband.

3. How tall are you?

5 foot 1, I think

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?

Holiday!  And getting some camping in with family and friends - beer, wine, burgers and no phone signal! 

5. What’s the last movie you saw?

Erm... Epic.

6. Who was the last person you called?

My friend.  On the 25th June.  I am terrible.

7. Who was the last person to call you?

Hubby.

8. What was the last text message you received?

From my friend M about coming down to stay for my birthday next year! 

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voice mail?

I don't use voice mail

10. Do you prefer to call or text?

Text.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?

Snoring!

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?

Married.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?

Yesterday

14. What color are your eyes?

Brown

15. What time did you wake up today?

7 am.

16. What are you wearing right now?

Black gypsy skirt and a sun top

17. What is your favorite Christmas song?

Dean Martin 'Let it Snow'

18. Where is your favorite place to be?

Home

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?

Anywhere where I'm going to have a needle stuck in me.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?

New York, Seattle, Washington and New England.

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?

Still here, God willing!

22. Do you tan or burn?

Burn then turn tan.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

Nothing. I didn't encounter fear at night until I was a little older. 

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?

A conversation with my husband and one of my closest friends yesterday, sat outside on the patio.  And no, I'm not divulging the contents. We'll just say for once, I made him cringe by giving too much information out and not vice versa!

25. Wine or beer?

Or?  Is there a shortage?  Red wine or Bud.

26. How big is your bed?

Double.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?

Desktop.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Without...

29. What color are your sheets?

Black.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

3 pillows, all feather.

31. What is your favorite season?

Autumn going into Winter.  The period from Halloween until New Years.

32. What do you like about Autumn?

Feeling justified in cooking homemade soups and stews with dumplings, and kissing goodbye to salad.

33. What do you like about Winter?

Christmas :-)

34. What do you like about the Summer?

Camping, barbecues, holidays...

35. What do you like about Spring?

Not much.

36. How many States provinces have you lived in?

None.

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?

Two, my home town for 31 years of my life, with a 6 and a half year hiatus in a large city, which I detested.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?

Bare feet, I don't wear socks ever.

39. Are you a social person?

No.  Not any more. I suppose you could say I'm selectively social.  I have wonderful close friends that I trust.  I am social with them.  But not just for the sake of it, and with just anyone.

40. What was the last thing you ate?

Bacon, onion and mayonnaise baguette.

41. What is your favorite restaurant?

It used to be where I worked :-(  Now, it's a restaurant we eat out at on holiday, lovely food, great service and reasonably priced.  Which is a plus when your children can pack away as much food as a grown man.

42. What is your favorite ice cream?

Blackcurrant or coffee.

43. What is your favorite dessert?

Either my Sticky Toffee Pudding or Lemon Drizzle cake.

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?

Anything homemade, as long as it's not from a tin.

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?

Never tried it but I like peanut butter on toast.

46. Do you like Chinese food?

Oh yes.

47. Do you like coffee?

Too much.

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?

A lot, I take it with my pain medication through the day, and I always have a glass by the sink ready to take a drink.  One good habit I have!

49. What do you drink in the morning?

Coffee.  Don't speak to me until I've had a mug.

50. What non-banking related card in your wallet is the most valuable to you?

None of them really, they're all replaceable. 

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

Yes, I had to change sides after leaving my first marriage, on one occasion while pregnant I had to sleep on my 'old' side of the bed, I woke up in a blind panic in the dark with my poor husband next to me, I'd had a nightmare, being conscious of someone to my right after so long, I thought I was back there again.  It was horrible.  I'd sleep on the floor now, rather than on that side of the bed.

52. Do you know how to play poker?

Not a clue.  No interest whatsoever.

53. Do you like to cuddle?

Yeah!

54. Have you ever been to Canada?

No but I have wonderful friends over there.

55. Do you have an addictive personality?

Oh yes.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?

Home.

57. What do you miss about high school, if anything?

My looks, figure and confidence I had back then.  Even if that confidence was mainly faked, at least I had the courage to pull it off back then.  

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?

Yes, I have a birthday twin.

59. Do you want kids?

I have lots.  I'd love more but have no room for them.  And time is ticking by...

60. Do you speak any other languages?

Yes, one other.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?

Yes, after a C Section and my first normal birth.  Ouch.

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?

Yes, when my 2 year old became critically ill, which was awful, watching him have seizures before he fell into a coma.  Thankfully he made a full recovery but it was touch and go for what felt like an eternity.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?

Neither, can't swim.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?

Who cares, the seat is the most important thing!

65. Do you know how to drive stick?

I don't know how to drive.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

Oh, I don't know, I'm not a shopper, I'm not bothered about clothes or shoes or jewellery or bags (my husband loves me!).  I love perfume but I get that on special occasions.  I am partial to decent wine though?

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?

My wedding, engagement and eternity rings and another ring my husband bought me one Christmas.

68. What is your favorite TV show?

I can't choose between The Shield and Homeland.

69. Can you roll your tongue?

Yep.

70. Who is the funniest person you know?

My husband, without a doubt.  He makes me cry laughing.

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No.  Although hubby did buy me a Pillow Pet, because the kids all had one and he didn't want me to feel left out.  Bless.

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?

Champagne Lemonade

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?

My mother may have, I don't.

74. What red object is closest to you right now?

A heart shaped gift box.

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?

Yes, and it makes me so cross when people leave it on!

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

Closed.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?

Neither, thanks!

78. Do you flirt a lot?

Only with my husband.

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Garlic Mayo and hot pepper sauce, the hotter - the better.

80. What is your favorite food?

Depends on the season.  At the moment it's chicken breast or pulled pork cooked with hot spices, on tortillas with salad, homemade coleslaw and hot pepper sauce.  If anyone knew how many bottles of different hot sauces I have, they'd think I was mad. 

81. Can you change the oil on a car?

No but I can change it in a deep fryer.

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

No

83. Have you ever run out of gas?

No, but my husband prays every night that this will happen one day.

84. What is your usual bedtime?

Anything from 7pm to 1am, depending on how tired I am or how good the book is.

85. What was the last book you read?

Diane Chamberlain - Breaking the Silence.

86. Do you read the newspaper?

No, nor do I watch the news.  I made an active choice not to do this a few years ago.  Some stories are too big to pass you by completely though.

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

No.

89. Do you watch soap operas?

No.

90. Do you dance in the car?

I sing...?

91. What radio station did you last listen to?

Probably Heart FM.

92. Who is in the picture closest to you?

My childhood best friend who died of cancer in 2010

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?

Shopping list for hubby

94. What are your best personality traits?

Honesty.   Loyalty.

95. What are your worst personality traits?

Honesty.  Lack of self-confidence.  Fear of ... everything.

96.  Biggest bug bears?

Liars.  Spitting.  Dog owners who don't pick up.  

97. What is your favorite board game?

LOGO.

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?

My nice PE teacher, even though I didn't like the subject.  The nasty PE teacher suggested I ask my mother to have me referred to a gynaecologist as apparently I'd been on my period for three weeks out of the last four.  Seemingly, I didn't put too much thought into the reasons I gave when I faked the notes excusing me...

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?

Four days.  Now we have adequate cold storage, I could probably go a week :-)

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?

Define 'extra special'?  My husband says or does something small every day to make me feel special.  Is one extra special gesture worth more than constant small ones? 

101.  Are you religious?

Hmmmmm.  I believe in a tolerant God who made us all equal and who made us all as we were meant to be.  So I can't find any affinity with any religion that practices intolerance towards anyone because of their creed, colour, sexuality - or any other reason.  Treat everyone as you would like to be treated.  There's many messages in the Bible that if we all practiced, would make this world a nicer place for everyone, whether you believe in God or not.  I suppose you could say I'm more spiritual than religious.  I believe that the wheel turns, so be very careful how you treat people.

Random Act of Kindness - Women's Aid

21 years ago, I began a six year relationship that was abusive and peppered with incidents of domestic violence.  The issues arising from that have recently reared their ugly heads once more.   I am, by now, generally 'ok' - but I think the scars run a lot deeper than I realised, and rather than dealing with the issue fully years ago, I faced it with such an air of acceptance - and sheer relief not to be in that situation anymore, that I've just let it slide.  I got to thinking about a much younger me, still in my teens for the main part, waking up each day without even a glimmer of hope.  I cannot think of one single word that could adequately describe the resignation and depression I felt during that phase of my life.  Believing, at that point, that this was it until I died.  Or he did.   I tried to shake myself out of this, by reminding myself that it was all over now, and I was happy.  Loved, cherished, respected - treated like a princess, if I'm honest.  But while I was expressing gratitude for how lucky I am, it crossed my mind that somewhere, someone else wasn't. 

I'm lucky that I keep my family in the black every month with careful budgeting.  However, all it takes is one thing to go wrong, break down, or one larger than unexpected bill to throw everything off kilter.  I cannot commit to a regular payment to a charity, because my priority will always have to be those under my roof.  I got to thinking, how can I help - without it necessarily meaning I just pay out a lump sum every month.  Doesn't anyone just want help, anymore?   I browsed the Women's Aid website and found this.   

* "Violence against women and children is a global issue for everyone…

Around the world, at least one in three women and girls is beaten or sexually abused in her lifetime (UN Commission on the Status of Women, 2000)

It is estimated that worldwide, one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime (Mara Jos Alcal, United Nations Population Fund, 2005)

Young women are particularly vulnerable to coerced sex and are increasingly being infected with HIV and AIDS. Over half of new HIV infections worldwide are occurring among young people between the ages of 15 and 24, and more than 60% of HIV-positive youth in this age bracket are female (UNIFEM, 2007)

The United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) estimates that the annual worldwide number of ‘honour killing’ victims may be as high as 5000 women (United Nations Population Fund, 2000)

 It is estimated that between 100 and 140 million girls and women worldwide have been subjected to one of the first three types of female genital mutilation (World Health Organisation, 2008)

The cost of treating physical health of victims of domestic violence, (including hospital, GP, ambulance, prescriptions) in England and Wales alone is £1,220,247,000, i.e. 3% of total NHS budget. The cost of treating mental disorder due to domestic violence is £176,000,000. (Walby, 2004)

At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence. (Department of Health, 2002) 

One incident is reported to the police every minute. (Stanko, 2000)

124,895 women and 54, 370 children used Women's Aid refuge and outreach services in 2009-2010 (Women's Aid Annual Survey)"

*This information taken from womensaid.org.uk

Frightening statistics.  And for every woman who is helped so that she is no longer a statistic, how many take her place?   Why are these statistics rising instead of falling?  Are women more at risk now than they've ever been?  Or is it that we're not prepared to accept this sort of behaviour, and we are more inclined to report it?

I was lucky to have had the support of my family when I left my partner.  I left with what I was standing in, they took me in, and helped me to get back on my feet practically, financially and emotionally.   At that particular point in time, I didn't need the help of a charity like Women's Aid - but in the years previously?  If I hadn't been so young and naive, and actually called them for help four or five years before that?  It could have saved a lot of heartache.

I pictured my departure in my head and imagined someone else who really had to just run, maybe for her life.  Taken away from her home, maybe with a child; the relief of being 'away' juxtaposed with the reality of being - again - utterly dependent on someone else for everything.  In this case, even the simplest basic things such a toothbrush, something to sleep in, or a confused child, away from their home and toys.  

I contacted my local Women's Aid branch and asked them if they had a provision to accept these kinds of things, and I had a lovely email back telling me that indeed - I was correct, that a lot of women turn up there with nothing, having to flee an abusive relationship with nothing at all, and that they would be very grateful for these items.  So I have made a start, I've bought sanitary protection, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, baby wipes, shampoo and shower gels.  I've still got a huge list of things I want to get, childrens toothbrushes and toothpaste, some pyjamas and maybe a nightshirt or two, some childrens books, some baby toiletries... I could go on ad infinitum. 

The lady who emailed me asked if I had ever considered volunteering for them?  She said given that I had been in the situation these women had been in, in the past, but had come through it the other end and was now happy, that I could have a lot to offer.  They have open nights through the year where the sort of work volunteers would do is explained, and she asked me if I would like to go to the next one.  I said I wasn't sure if I would be any good at it (lack of self-confidence still a major scar that won't heal) but I wouldn't know unless I was in possession of the full facts, so yes.  I would love to attend. 

I think to say I'm looking forward to it would be the wrong thing.  The very fact that organisations like Women's Aid have to exist in the first place is a crying shame, but thank God they do.  Even if I'm not cut out for the volunteering, I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally to be able to help someone who is broken, I know that at the very least I can help by providing things like toiletries.  Such a small gesture, but when you've got nothing...?  It's a couple of pounds on my shopping bill each week, and I feel like I am helping in a practical way. 

♫ Music Monday ♫

The piano version of Sarah McLachlan's 'Possession' - just beautiful

Friend or foe?

What an intriguing question.  I think I'd like who I am now more than who I was in the past.  I think that, once hearing my back story, I would respect how I have faced these trials and come through stronger.  Where it would have been easy to wallow in self pity and let myself become a victim of so many things, I have faced my fears and learned lessons from these times. 

I like the fact that I have acknowledged certain flaws in my personality, traits I wasn't proud of, and have worked hard to counter those with love and honesty instead.  I have been a liar, a cheat, a gossip, fickle, hurtful, materialistic, needy, two-faced and vain.  For every one of those flaws I could write a blog post and the lesson I learned when I was brought back down to earth with a heavy bang!  I was also a lot younger then, but that is no adequate excuse, because not every young person behaves like that!   I accept responsibility for my actions, and I have to give myself credit for not turning into a lying, cheating, gossiping, hurtful, fickle, materialistic, needy, vain and two-faced adult.  I don't think she would have been getting invited over for coffee any time soon.   By anyone, not just me!

I'm not perfect by a long shot, I really am a work in progress.  Full of neurotic thoughts, and doubts, and fears, and I need to grow a thicker skin - but I've learned my lesson over the years that the view of any situation is clearer and fairer from up there on the fence, than it is up there on the soapbox.

So, would you like you, if you met you?

Sorry - the hardest word?

There are many people who have hacked me off over the years.  Some that I have been able to forgive, and some that I have cut out of my life forever.  For years I would let stupid resentments eat away at me from the inside until my stomach would be churning, and I'd lose sleep at the absolute injustice of what has been done to me or said about me.  At the very least, I would deserve a grovelling apology, and of course, unless I deemed the issue worthy of forgiving, it would be a moot point. 

Have you heard me?  Who did I think I was?

Any surprise to know that no apologies have ever been forthcoming?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela

I can only control me  I can only control how I act, how I behave, and how I treat other people.  In a dispute, I think I am right.  Maybe I am right, in any given situation, and the other party has got it so, so wrong.  But I can't control them, how they think, their morals, values, nor how they treat other people.  I can only be responsible for my own actions and reactions.   Nobody elses.  Maybe at other times, I've been just as wrong.  What makes me any better or any less human than anyone else?

I then have to flip it, and ask myself, has my own behaviour in the past been exemplory?  What part have I played in any of these conflicts?  Have I myself hurt someone, whether it was deliberate or just incidental?  Do I have any apologies I need to make?   Instead of bemoaning the fact that I've never received any?  The answer there is - yes.  The way I feel about it is described perfectly in this quote; 
 

"I thought of how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving.  I thought of how many people have had siblings or friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious words of clemency or absolution could be passed along.  How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business?" - Elizabeth Gilbert 'Eat, Pray, Love'

How do they, indeed.  So how do you even begin to ask for forgiveness after a period such as twenty years?  For something that happened when you were technically a child?  When that person has been out of your life for so long, you don't know where they are, you don't know if they have a family themselves, you don't know if your contacting them would be welcome, or an unpleasant intrusion - which I'd imagine in a lot of cases it would be, or that person would still be in your life, right?
 

Through the years there are people I have tried to make amends to.  I've tried to explain my side to them and it's just been too much to get past.  Which is fair enough.  In those cases, I've just had to suck it up, acknowledge that I tried to apologise, and get on with it.  It isn't resolved happily, but at least it's no longer unresolved.  There are a few people I need to apologise to, because although they've treated me badly, it didn't justify my doing the same back to them in a vain attempt at retribution.  That makes my behaviour no better than theirs, for treating them in the way they treated me.  I know how that made me feel, so why did I think it was the right way to strike back at them?  The minute I retaliated in a mean and spiteful way, I lost any moral high ground I might have had.  It makes me no better.  Those aren't relationships I want to resurrect, but nevertheless, I owe an apology for my behaviour - they can deal with their own consciences then.  I only have to sleep with mine.

But there's still one person I really do owe an apology to.  Probably the biggest apology I've ever needed to make in my life, and theirs has been the most important apology of all and I haven't been able to do it.  I know what I've wanted to say, but the two biggest barriers have been - where was that person now - and fear.  Not fear of them, because the person concerned had the kindest heart and treated me with nothing but respect and love.  It's been fear of finding out once and for all how much I did actually hurt them.   Fear that I lay myself bare to them and my apology is rejected, or even worse, I am ignored.  Fear that I have nothing to retaliate with - those others that I've apologised to, well, let's just say the majority of those conflicts were six of one, half a dozen of the other.  Right and wrong on both sides.  In this case however, there was only one person in the wrong, and that was me.

I believe the best advice comes from yourself.  I always ask myself, what counsel would I give my best friend if she presented this dilemma to me?   I don't know what this person is like now, twenty years later, but I know what they were like back then.  Sweet, kindhearted, funny, loving.  What would that person do with an honest explanation and apology?  Reject it?  Or say, it's ok.  I understand now.  You did hurt me, but at least I understand now.  It could prove to be cathartic for both of us.  And just maybe, that person has needed to hear this all these years just as strongly as I've wanted to say it.

“Sorry.

Sorry means you feel the pulse of other people's pain as well as your own, and saying it means you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us trodden and sodden as one another.  Sorry is a lot of things. It's a hole refilled. A debt repaid.  Sorry is the wake of misdeed.  It's the crippling ripple of consequence.  Sorry is sadness, just as knowing is sadness.  Sorry is sometimes self-pity.  But Sorry, really, is not about you.  It's theirs to take or leave.

Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge.  Sorry is a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true.  Sorry doesn't take things back, but it pushes things forward.  It bridges the gap.  Sorry is a sacrament.  It's an offering.  A gift.” - Craig Silvey 'Jasper Jones'

It's a gift, from me to them, that they can take or leave.  I have no power or rights over which that person chooses.  The first sentence of that last paragraph explains it far more concisely that I ever could.  'Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge'.  I'm not scared of the embrace - which in my case would be an acceptance of my apology; but I'm scared of the ridicule or revenge - which in my case would be a rejection of my apology or being ignored.  Where on earth could I possibly go from there?   This particular situation being so different to any other apology I've had to make, this time there's no wrong on the other's part.  There's no scope for me to shrug my shoulders and say 'At least I tried, they were wrong too.' and put it in the past.  What if sorry isn't good enough for that person, how on earth do I move forward from that?  Maybe it would be best not to poke around in this particular hornets nest.  Maybe it would be easier to continue living with the guilt and the not knowing, than it would be to live with the rejection?  

A helping hand or an insult? Treading the fine line.

I'm not rich by a long shot, but I am able to live within my means.  I remember several times in my life that I have been so down, so low, that I couldn't afford to feed my family.  Literally not having a penny in my pocket for the necessities, never mind an occasional indulgence.  I look back at those times in horror, and I vow that I will never, ever be in that place again.  I have money in the bank, but this is due to my diligence and being careful as to how our family use that money. 

But this thing called life happens to the best of us, and it's currently kicked a couple I know, when they were already down.   After having a life-threatening condition operated on last year, life decided to stick the boot in with a redundancy.  With a troop of children to feed, and we all know - wherever we live in the world, that unemployment is rife.  I spoke to one of them yesterday and they told me - not to garner sympathy or attention - just stating a basic fact, that they had just been food shopping with x amount of money and had tried to make it stretch as far as they could.   The x amount of money was a paltry sum, but I knew what they meant, because I had been there. I had been there with even less money than that, doing the sums in my head as I went along, looking for the cheapest way to fill us all up.

This couple aren't best friends, they're not friends with us socially, but the woman of the family is someone who has been a friend all my life.  They are a lovely couple, and although I don't know him that well, I know she is the sort that would do absolutely anything for anyone if she could, and she would give her last penny to someone less fortunate than herself.    

I'd been thinking, pondering about it since I saw them, and this morning, without my having to say anything, my husband announced that he'd been thinking about yesterday, and he'd just wanted to give them his wallet and tell them to go shopping.  I said that I'd been wondering if there was a way I could buy some groceries online and have them delivered anonymously, but doubted that I could.   I knew even if I could do that it would have been obvious that it was me.  I then had the worry that they would be offended.  I know I personally wouldn't have been offended to receive something like that when I was on my knees, but some people have much more pride than that.  I don't think she would be offended, but I don't know him enough to second guess his reaction.

So, I've decided, rather than embarrassing them by rolling up with bags full of shopping, the next time I'm in the supermarket I'm going to buy a £50 gift card for them.  This week, my cupboards and freezer are full, I don't need to shop for food this week, and someone I know does, so I think it's the right thing to do.  I will send it with a card telling them I don't want them to pay me back, but I want them to pay it forward.  When they're back on their feet and someone they know is struggling, then hopefully they can do something kind to help that person.  It's something I'd prefer to do anonymously but in this case I can't.